confronting my wife's lover

Like a Japanese Tsunami on steroids when she least expects it. No. Part of HuffPost News. Because she will turn the tables on you and claim she can't trust you because you snooped. But I would never answer the call. Only God can make this work. If you have no one and just want to vent, please send me a message and I will listen to all you want to say on skype. The sea calls to you again. Sure wish I would have read this post before I decided to confront. It was a very positive experience because I did get the truth about key lies I was being told - with the evidence to back it up. HomeForumsRelationshipsConfronted my wife tonight. I wish you all strength. Trying to get them to "get it" is futile. It totally sucks what she did after only a year of marriage. You have every right to feel the way you do. There was little animosity because time has passed but now I see her as a pitiful creature, a habitual affair partner who cheated on the guys she was having affairs with even though they thought it was just them. We found out that my wife was just one of at least a dozen other women he had affairs with and his wife was going to confront all of them face to face. Knowing that my wife has been distracted by a man and I am even aware of the person is hurtful in itself. Your wife does not respect you or your marriage. Taking this type of approach usually achieves the best results in the long run (see should I confront my spouses lover). I'm hoping that time will heal. I can honestly say now that i have forgiven my husband, and that feels so good. and go bang other women! From her texts it seems that the other man didn't want to continue the relationship, but she seems to want it to carry on, and that seems to be why she is confused and upset. You haven't even been M that long! A couple of things to consider: What is your intention? 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. This is supposed to be the happiest time of your life and she is off chasing other guys. This was in June of 2017 . You deserve to be a man again. Tell her that you KNOWpoint blank, irrefutably. I am dreading this. She woman would rather call the police and have me slapped with a warning THAT WILL show up on enhanced criminal record checks for life than have a conversation with me. Completely unfair. Were on the path to divorce, and family members will inevitably ask why. If he sees a dress he likes and he cannot buy it for me but get it for another lady, then there is a problem and we have to solve it. She will need to resolve her feelings. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. She asked me questions. Not sure I agree with this. So after his wife sent many angry texts to me about my wife, I told her not to contact me again, referred her to this site and focus on her marriage. Do you really want to help him as you say you do? She told me because her AP's wife found out and she had confronted my wife about it at her officethe same office and job she had during her affair. As much as you love heryou might well be better off without her in your life, given what all has gone on. Have you watched those recovery programs? I dont think she really wants to be married to me at all. But all of this is in hindsight, no one could of predicted this storm.Old hands will retire from their service with you, while new ones will enlist. Ive accepted things and Ive moved on completely. Cheater 101 dude. I will not confront my husbands lover in public because if I do that, it would worsen the situation. He would lie about the weather if I couldnt see outside the window for myself. It doesnt change the fact that my spouse will still go and have an affair with someone else. The shocking twist to this story is that the purported man is not only a coworker, You cannot. File for divorce dude. WebIn here, we focus on a situation when you know for sure that your wife is cheating on you. Consider the source. WTF!!! I found this a little bizarre, because she didnt seem all that earnest or enthusiastic about it. My wife of almost 35 years told me she had had an affair with her boss and my friend almost 30 years ago. I will walk out of the marriage- Derek Agyei. Her husband and her husband's lover promise her that they won't see each other again after she discovered their relationship. Surprisingly, some husbands, end up hoping and accepting a stalemate where the wife settles down into an 'equilibrium' balancing her husbands' physical needs with that of the 'other guy' or 'other guys'. When you say something like that, people dont question your reasoning. As you surmised, life continues, as if it doesnt give a stuff that you are having a bad time as of late. Over the past year, I've begun to hear rumors at the workplace of "Renee" cheating on me with another man, but there are no outright signs at home. But that, in of itself is helpful. I will not be involved in any physical combat with anyone. My only advice is get out NOW. You can still be the role model your son deserves, you can still be the person you have always been and more. I have to wait for a half year. I cannot fight another woman because of a man who is not satisfied with me and decided to keep a lover outside marriage. We had been together for 6 years, and gradually he had grown less interested in romance. When it ces to the divorce, this is between you and her. This is the way mine went down . It's all kibbles. He was old, ugly, and weak. If they can, then at least give it another chance. Almost a year later, I believe she is giving up. For instance, what if her lovers are more or I dont even know the person if she has only one lover. Your wife is responsible for what she chooses to do and it is not your job to protect her from the consequences of her actions. If she is After she did this for a month, I finally had enough, and called her out publicly on Facebook, which only caused her to escalate even more. Angry, you bet! How could one as dim and sexless as you understand someone as compelling as them? Ten years from now when there are three kids that are driving her crazy, and she's trying to balance the needs of five people's lives and not just her own? She sent him a nasty gram including things like " I was forced to listen to her message" that she "almost felt sad for me listening to my voice" and when I asked her for "conformation of status" in my message she replied to him with "That girl has trust issues" he didn't reply. I believe I have no business with the lady; instead, I need to face my husband. This is just a new beginning. You really need to let go of this whole thing. She denied knowing he was ever married (lie) and blamed everything on him. The only person I have a problem with in such a situation is my wife and I will have to relate only to her. Me? Some people respond by backing down, some people respond by attacking, and some people will try to avoid the confrontation If you've been tempted to confront the affair partner, leave it to professionals. You will now need to get tested for STD's as well as your wife. Once again, i have never been in your position before, so im coming from the outside here. To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below. I have waited a year and have given it a lot of thought. Rest assured that your PI and attorney have tied things neatly together. I wish that for your sake he won't want to say anything in reply to what you say, but knowing APs, he will and it will be unpredictable and probably extremely painful what he says in reply, even if it isn't founded on truth. That is the time when she would come crawling to you. You clearly know that. Your spouse has already betrayed your trust at a very basic level, so confronting the other person may If someone wants to engage in an affair, or leave you for an affair partner, no amount of rational argument is going to sway them otherwise. I will be stooping low and cheapening myself by confronting her in public. All Rights Reserved. However, there IS good news for each confronting a cheater reaction. My life changed for the better after that night. She wanted to know everything. I did confront her. You will never be able to trust her, you'll be constantly checking up on her, whenever you are apart you will be torturing yourself with what she may be doing what kind of marriage is that??? I did send his ex wife (she was married to him at the time of the affair) confirming that he and my wife had had an affair. "Be there" for someone that wants to be with another person? Making a habit of going out of the house regularly will help tremendously with depression. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. Only if you think you can shame them out of the affairs. Probably you should decide whether its OK for her to continue. If so, treat them as anyon But I'm glad I can but a nail in this coffin. She had been deceiving me for 2 years whilst having an affair with my husband, manipulating situations, even sending anon letters to give me hints he is over the side in the hope I will kick him out do they can be together without me ever realisingwhy all of the sudden she would be telling me the truth. And i would assume a great many of things as well. My husbands job was about to dictate him to be working out of the town he and his AP spent time in on a two week gone one week home schedule for the next three months. That's for myself. She must NOT grow suspicious that her loving, devoted, starry eyed hubby has a clue about someone else lubricating her plumbing every day. I ghosted her and have always felt like I missed the opportunity to let her have it! If you go to her place of employment to cause her to maybe lose her job, well that is going beyond letting her (enjoy and) suffer the consequences of her actions, it is creating consequences by your initiative. So I did wait for a couple of weeks but then I sent him text messages and told him just what I thought of him and just how bad he had hurt me and my wife and that I was being moved by the Lord to let him know that I forgave him and would pray for him and that I was determined to make our marriage work no matter what . Your identity and who you are has changed. I also told If you pretend it isn't happening, she will keep stringing you along. Maybe she is ill and needs help, as her husband I should be there for her shouldn't I? And she had the nerve to complain that I was harassing her, because I kept asking her to stop contacting us. You need to calmly explain your feelings and tell her to put herself in your shoes. When you have all your ducks in a row, have gone past the PI phase, moved on with the evidence to an attorney, and the attorney has compiled it all together and made the initial moves and it is time to serve her the papers, you must still be nonchalant and appear ignorant about the giant moves underway. I find knowing this makes life decisions much easier. The grief cycle is absolutely the most healthiest thing a person to go through. Aaaandlaughed. Marriage is between two people; the husband and wife. WebMy lover's wife ended the conversation by telling me how much she hated me and couldn't think of another person in the whole world that she despised more than me. And that was that. Copyright 2004 I really don't think that a PI is an option, for a start I believe that the relationship is over, but not down to her, so if nothing else I am not sure what a PI would achieve. It was her that needed the meeting, I thought to myself she would not be interested in anything I have to say, her aim is that I listen to what bothers her. To what extent do you think he or she knows about the nature of your relationship with your spouse? Never. How do I get past my disdain for this other person? I wish i had never done this and had never said anything to my H. Just for my ducks in a row and left preserving my dignity. What you thought was your world is actually not the truth at all. Under no circumstance should you lose your temper, or get violent. Your son, any pets, and yourself. It still stings that I became a villain in someone's life story. I have asked my husband to repeat to her to stop any contact but he refused, insisting that it is better to ignore her completely instead. I atoned for my actions. Let me spare you the trouble -- don't go there. If he has a lover aside from me, it is his cup of tea. Apart from being married, I have an image to protect. In her own words, she is having the 'best of both worlds'. By Why? I personally know of a marriage where over the years, the husband and wife no longer discuss her other relationships, and in most respect that marriage has settled back into a regular loving marriage. Then she changed her tune and told me "he'd never been in love with me and was going to start a new life with her." Your son deserves to be in a positive environment. Do NOT confront your sweet wife with anything. Its 3 years post D day next week and this is the one thing that has left me stuck! I want vengeance but everytime I seriously think about confronting her, I remember that I need her to stay with her poor cuckold of a husband so she wont be completely available. I will probably always love her. As soon as I told her, she didnt deny it, and soon acknowledged it. As a result we dont talk, perhaps this is for the better.why do I need two faced people around me and my children. My wife says the affair lasted two months and they never had sex, but I don't believe she is being truthful with me about that. Maybe you're still waiting to come up with the perfect withering remark to deliver along with your poisoned umbrella tip. So unless you have reason to believe that there will be a positive outcome, it may be best to avoid a confronting the other person. b) Making point a) above, redundantwherein you and your attorney so shame her with a few select documentary evidences of her picadilloes (promising her that a much larger cache evidence is available with your attorney), that she decides not to contest the divorce, and virtually signs on dotted lines. I just give you my opinion from some real life experiences. This article originally appeared on YourTango. I could tell she didn't want to leave him. When he ended the affair, the in-laws were enraged and drove 8 hours to our city to "comfort her" since she was so devastated. To this day my ex wife does not know how I found out. Do not fight around him or anything. c) Reconciliationthat is if you so desire a reconciliation ( I personally would not). I recently discovered my husband of 19 years had been involved in an 8 month long affair with a co worker from an other town 7 hours away. It will make me feel like I am not capable of meeting her needs. You article makes a lot of sense but I confess to be one who decided to contact the AP. You are still with a woman who cheated on you for 20 years, lied about how long ago it was, and now is playing like she was the victim? Probably not. You need to be honest, upfront, and confront her with what you know. I had two children with my loyal husband, ages 2 and the other 2 months old at the time. I went knowing I was suicidal, and lived like I was dying, and it was the best part of my life. Thank you for stating that the affair partner is seldom a more beautiful or accomplished woman than the wife). She wanted to share everything. We've only been married a year and I can't believe it could be the end. They might actually be crazy. 3. Im not sure, I hope Im never in a position again where I might have to. We think they have no idea that when my husband met the AP, she was married to one man, living with another man, and getting on Ashley Madison looking for married men for sex. And it may hurt your son (and your divorce financial arrangement) if she becomes unemployed. @owl thank you for your advice, it is really helping. Dont ever contact the ow . In retrospect, my naivete was breathtaking, but that was before a therapeutic consensus against all of the above emerged, before the current cornucopia of helpful books on affair recovery, and certainly before helpful websites like this one. He turned so pale, looking like he honestly thought Id never find out at all. She didn't say anything about the affair. When devastated by my wife's adultery I responded with great naivete: I believed my wife's partial & trickle truths; in response to her blaming me I took on much too much responsibility & accepted her revisionist history of our marriage; I did not demand an immediate cessation of the affair & no contact; I did not demand she make amends. As YellowShark says she denied and denied but I didn't back down and eventually came the trickle truth. You could tell by her voice that she was far more intelligent than my lover was. He allowed her to remain in control of how this would play out. I have a reputation I would not want to tarnish. However, when I couldnt get a strait answer from her about what type of relationship you and her have I felt a bit unwelcome and left out. I need nothing from him. What advice do you have for those us whom dont seek them, they seek us BS? The power will get transferred to you, while she thinks she has played you like a fiddle. Please seek professional care if you believe you may have a condition. We dont take each other for granted as we now know what boundaries are non-negotiable. You will find someone who is deserving of you. What is your deal? Whats wrong with you? Leave the wife and go away its her fault to have her lovers all together. Get rid of her you dont need There is no way Im going to her workplace HR department about this, and to the extent I can avoid it, I dont want this to screw up her relationships with her family either- I do still care deeply about her and her family members, who Ive grown quite fond of over the years, and it would break my heart to see her alienated from her family. What if I dont know him? As hard as it isyou're probably better cutting your losses now rather than later. Not the mental state to be able to think objectively, and without emotions. If they cant give you that promise, you really dont have much to work with. See what her answer is. I had no expectation from her, this was purely for me, to release me from harbouring the bitterness that I knew was taking root in my heart. To protect her. Hi after almost 3 years the AP contacted me. *Love. BREAKING NEWS: The reality from her own words was that she will never be anyones number 1 and that hurts her deeply. This is the first time in my life that Ive lived alone, and its a little exhilarating. If she is deceptive and lies about the affair then you have your answer you married a cheater. I never responded after that. Dude, your "world" has already collapsed. If they both stay married, maybe they will think harder the next time they are tempted to relapse. I wound out about the affair about one month after he died. Meredith, I've been married for six years to the love of my life. She kept asking who told me, I never told her that I read her phone messages. My challenge remains to never the lesson but to forget ALL the details. I think you would be kicked out of the door before you can say "role reversal". Or is such a confrontation likely to scare the other person away? When you have a PI on your corner, he will ask you to stop shadowing her or tinkering with her email etc. And why you didnt post there following the replies? And so forth. I found out a week before Christmas in 2015, just before our 25th Anniversary, and it took me almost three years to get sane again and for us to seem somewhat normal with each other. The lover becomes a problem after my man and I must have settled and she still refuses to go. I will not confront her. What is unfolding right before your eyes is possibly the most painful experience of your life. Tough! I just need some answers and I am not getting them! As much as I can move on, take responsibility, or as many times as I can apologize to my lover's wife (which I did), that kind of experience lives with you and takes up residence in your soul. Don't play your hand that you *know* about the other man. First, she says she broke things off with her lover and wanted to know if there was any possibility of reconciliation. Your And then she sent another message that she would be happy to meet to set the record straight. The timeline had changed from a couple of years to 3 or 4 years and a couple of months ago , putting 2 and 2 together, she admitted that the affair went on for almost 20 years and that she never initiated any part of it but never could tell him NO when he would call her and set up a meeting. To reclaim your self respect. My partner lies whenever I have asked for the truth. Hand over the evidence to your attorney. I didn't want any details from the AP - he was 15 years older, weak, and very unattractive. I'd also add that if she's cheated this early into the relationshipthen honestly your chances of being married to a potential serial cheater are pretty high. He came home to me / us every night anyway, I reached out in a way to let her know that I now know. But it became clear that it was all a lie. They spoke in a similar way. Just yesterday, I met with another woman who's been sleeping with my husband for about as long as we've been married. A lying, deceitful, manipulator. got angry when I discovered you 2 were friends. Ignoring this is not an option, it will only eat away at me. There might also be some truth in it -- but how messed up is that? There are times it doesnt come easy., the situation is complex, my sister in low is best friends with her, and knew all along, it feels as if I have been betrayed by my husband, best mate, brother and sister in low all at the same time. She is cheating within 1 year and you have no kids. We talked a long time and I told her that I was going to contact her husband and let him know that I knew and how disappointed I was in both of them . Our baby is now 8 mo. Let her go. I've documented this experience in previous posts. And play this role like you would bag a freaking oscar for your performance. My H and her had very similar personality. I am not sorry that I did, but I probably did fuel the fire some. I just told her I KNOW what is going on with XXXXX. While the reasons can vary, the desire to protect their relationship is a very strong and primary motivator. It'll help the two of you communicate in effective ways and find answers as to why the affair happened - in a much healthier way than contacting the affair partner. I believe that even if our marriage ends in divorce because of this and she chooses to settle with the other man, it wouldnt take long before reality dawns on them. It's about us. I divorced him and he married her. September 9, 2011 6.16am. No kids? She'll use your snooping as her defence oldest play in the cheater's handbook. But I would tell the truth, just the facts. Sofor really the first time in 38 years I am very serious in considering getting a divorce. This site is not intended to provide and does not constitute medical, legal, or other professional advice. Just up and moved. She is not the woman you thought she was. So I answered the call that night and two hours later it was all over. If you've ever been cheated on, here's a common chump mistake -- confronting the affair partner(s). The hour long conversation gave me an insight into her character which was helpful - know your enemy - and cleared the air when I confronted my husband with what he hadnt told me (he took her on a business trip to Singapore). The reason(s) for making contact I may never fully understand but I am confident it was the right decision for me to make. In such situations, it's not realistic to expect your spouse to stay neutral. With her 'bf' (the 'other guy') she is the $lut she always wanted to be, and has experienced multi men orgies etc which is simply unthinkable for her to imagine with her husband. It made me feel like a worthless unloveable person . Its hard to do when the AP is the down stairs neighbor and you have to see them multiple times a day and money doesn't allow you to move for 2 more months. You may want to express your hurt and sense of betrayal and tell them what a terrible human being they are. She just sort of floated the idea out there. WebBefore seeking to confront your spouses lover, consider the possibility that such a meeting may actually do more harm than good. Sleep in the #%(^ing middle. So, making contact and receiving well deserved apologies helped bring closure to this chapter in the affair and hopefully help in the healing process of my marriage. Probably convinced her to keep working on mine. But damn if you cant make your own meaning out of it. Get a lawyer and get this over with and move on. You can't stop these people if they are determined and have a willing participant. Not yours. Could they still be seeing each other? My advice is that you need to confront your wife. Your relationship is with her, not with her lovers. Good luck. 1 year marriage, no kids, GET OUT. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. Frustrating isn't the word for how I felt. I made my vowels to him, not them, dont owe them anything. As you already admitted, given the situation find yourself in, your self confidence is broken, you can not think straight, and your mind is just going crazy trying to make sense of it all. Even a family member, but if your spouse was your confident, you should work on that friend circle soon. I was done. So atleast you have that going for you. The best person to face if such a situation arises is my husband. I cant fight a woman because of a man-Rachael Oni. Worse, if you come at them all classy -- appealing to their sense of shared humanity and common decency -- they will delight in their superiority. If the other person is in the dark about the nature of your relationship with your spouse, it may help to confront him or herthus creating awareness that you are going to put up a fight and that you love your

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